Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining

bah

2008-08-08T00:37:07Z

I feel sick today..

it's gross. and makes me annoyed.

dad ditched me, thats kind of annoying too.

I finished my book, i'm all out of Chuck Klosterman books, i suppose i'll have to buy something different..
There's that new Chelsea Handler book out. i think i'm going to get that next time..

Is it true that its cheaper to buy books online than in the actual store?? Borders.com had lots of "savings" i dont know. i guess i'll have to check it out, compare some prices. shipping might be annoying though. we'll have to see.

Anyone have any good books to add to my "need to read" list??

Ah.

2008-08-05T20:29:44Z

Remember, in highschool, when i used to freak out about anything and everything. To the point of making myself sick. Yeah, those were the days.. I've long since past that and i've moved on, and realized that life really isn't worth all the worrying. However, I've been stressed out quite a bit. I guess i really hadn't much noticed it because i've done so well with making sure I have my life under control. But- i've been kinda sick the past couple of days, and people have been asking me if i'm stressed out. The more i think about it, i totally am.
I'm getting worried about going back to school.
- about being able to have the money that i need to pay for the things that need to be paid for.
- that I'm taking the right classes and I'm setting myself up to graduate in the proper time frame.
- that I'm going to see Mike as often as I can, without getting too upset about the time we have to spend apart. p.s I'm going to hate football season. Our team better not suck as huge as they did last year to make up for that.

I guess I've been telling myself that things are working themselves out, and i'm doing what I can do deal with each of the things as they come up. I've saved up as much money as i could this summer. I haven't been wasteful in my spending and I've figured out a budget as well as i could have with what i know right now.

I've looked into my classes, and except for the books i need to save up some money for (and sell back, for being a complete and utter retard)
-- thats all pretty locked away until it comes time to figure out my spring semester.

I've got plans for my apartment that Kari and I have been talking about for months, and now that we've figured out our move in date (Sunday, August 17th for those wondering) I can finally be excited about those plans.

We're going to paint. And for those of you who have an apartment who think painting it is a waste of time - Don't bother telling me not to do it. As long as it gets painted back, we're allowed to paint it. For those of you who know me well, you know that i'm very attached to being at home.. I feel like painting my apartment will give it a lot more of a "homey" feel. I think it will make me feel less homesick if i feel like it's my home, and it's where i'm supposed to be. I've been saying for weeks now that i can't wait to get back to school, but i've been there twice, trying to pack things up since summer started, and it felt so weird being there. As much as i'm totally not getting along with my mom this summer, I missed her, and i missed being at home, and having dinner made for me..

I can't believe the summer is practically over.. Seriously, what happened to the last two months? I need a rewind.

xosmurfzruleox @ 2008-07-24T19:47:00

2008-07-24T23:49:16Z

It's been a minute since i've been on this bad boy. or at least posted anything on it.

maybe it's mostly because i don't have much to say. Or... that i've got too much to say and feel as though its all things that have been heard before and no one really cares anymore..

but then again - who reads this still anyway ? I'm sure 85% of the people who started reading/ writing in here years ago when it was "cool" have long since moved on to bigger and better things..
Unfortunately, i have not.. Ah well, I'm over it =)

Work = my life. Boy = the part of my life that isn't already consumed by work. 5 months ago I met him, and I'm not sure how i made it this far without him. "Then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another. Just realize. "

BBQ on Saturday. It's gunna be fuuuunsies. some pretty rad people are supposed to stop by. and some other not-so-rad cats are skipping out on me for whatever reason. I suppose i should have assumed, this summer is weird, and i'm totally ready to go back to school with my lovey roommate, where i am 45 minutes vs. 2 hours away from my boylove.

I feel like every time i get on here, i'm like looooook out! i'm about to write some shit real quick. And then i start writing and i'm like this is stupid, and i quit. Maybe i'll come up with something good soon.

peace.love.xox

oohhh class

2007-10-29T14:56:58Z

This week is going to be a good one i'm pretty sure- found out that i dont have the exam i thought i did this week so thats super sweeeeeeeet =)

Jen is coming again on friday and once again, i can't wait =) My parents might be coming too so it will be good times tailgating for this game. =)

ugh my computer is dying. how stupid.

xosmurfzruleox @ 2007-10-23T23:35:00

2007-10-24T03:35:37Z

i.hate.studying.

especially for this stupid class cause i hate doing so much reading- for nothing.
i wish i could just read it and comprehend it all but it just doesn't happen.

*sigh* its going to be a loooong night.

xosmurfzruleox @ 2007-10-22T19:32:00

2007-10-22T23:32:59Z

i took a nice long bubble bath with a many few deep breaths. put on some nice relaxing smelling lotion. and my boy shirt and i'm feeling much more relaxed and at ease..

thank you for asking.

lame

2007-10-22T22:16:19Z

So much for that better person bullshit..

haha, i didn't get very far..
today has been a terrible day.

got a blister right at the onset of the day - of course. why would anyone in their right mind wear flip flops for a 35 minute walk to class?? idiot i tell you.
max isn't getting my sarcastic hints that we're still not making progress in the "talking while i'm away" topic. I like talking to him as i'm walking back from class on mondays and wednesdays. and he doesn't get it. i'm still in class and 20 minutes after he finally get outs - hes already at joshs. so naturally- i'm annoyed, on top of which my mom calls and spends 30 minutes bitching about my step dad, which is fine because she's upset and i do the same thing- but still.

so i'm annoyed and done with class, from which - i forgot my bus pass so i have to walk all the way home instead of busing half way. my blister hurts so bad that i couldn't walk back with shoes on so what do i do? take them off and not more than 5 minutes pass before i freaking stubbed my toe so bad it started bleeding.

i finally get home and don't feel like talking to anyone so i shut my phone off and went to meijer to fill my meds and get some shit. got a few things and went to pick up my pills where a face i haven't seen in a minute complimented me on looking good and it made me smile the rest of the way through the check out line, where the cashier told me how much she liked my shirt. there a few nice people in today, but now im home and back to annoyed and ranting in here to get it all out.

and now i'm off to begin my 80 pages of reading to finish before i make it to bed tonight..
wish me luck that i don't pass out before its done.

xosmurfzruleox @ 2007-10-21T23:55:00

2007-10-22T04:08:06Z

haven't been around this part of the internet in a while.. it's kind of funny how things like this are in and out of style and what not. Only three out of the original i dont even know how many people i had, still continue to write in here. Who knows how many of you still continue to read it =) Ah well, things change. I guess it depends on how you deal with it that determines if it changes for the better or the worse, right??

For those of you still wondering, Max and I areee still together, and loving every minute of it. We're coming up on our two years on Wednesday. Where have those last two years gone, seriously.

Anywhooo, this weekend changed a lot of things for me i think. Jen came to visit for the 2nd time in.. yearsish =) I've forgotten how much i missed having a "person" as Meredith and Christina would say from Greys. =)
I miss having someone to be girly and lame with, i love my roommate to death but lets be serious- she's not all about that.
She makes me think about a lot of things that i haven't thought about in a long time. My ideas, opinions, thoughts and feelings are all changing rapidly lately and i like it.   I'm done being sad about the things that i can't control, and it's time to start being a better person. I'll be the first one to tell you that I'm a very selfish person. I need to feel good about the type of person I am, before i can fix the other things i don't like about where i'm at right now. I need to make things happen so that i'm content with where i'm at, and the life i'm living - because lets face it, this is who i am. I can't change the things that i can't control - but i can change the things i have complete control over, myself being that thing.

I think i need to get a job.. A small one just so that I'm staying busy, but not too busy that I'm feeling overwhelmed. Just busy enough that i'll stay on top of things. I feel like i have too much time now that i put things off until i'm running out of time to finish them and i'm too exhausted to do anything about it.

I need to start working out so that i can start feeling better about myself physically too. I think that has a lot to do with feeling better about myself mentally.

I've got a new haircut, that i'm still getting used too. I like it- but i'm missing my long locks.   It'll grow back and for the time being - i'll work it. =)

I think that i need to start confessing my thoughts onto this again like i was so much before, so - trust me, i'll be back =)

xosmurfzruleox @ 2006-09-16T01:40:00

2006-09-16T05:41:40Z

so.
i'm home for the weekend. and to get a chance to hang out with everyone - i want to do a breakfast thing on sunday. at dads house. before i go back to school. so i'm not exactly sure of times. but if u let me know if u want to come - then i'll definitely hit you up and let you know the times and stuff. probly like.. 10-11ish. earlier if u can just to hang out =) but let me know for sureeeee!!

19 days.

2006-08-04T20:37:41Z

.when he'll drive all over the place just to make sure your comfortable for the entire week.
.when he'll eat the other half of your gummie worms because you dont like one flavor.
.when he'll drive just to watch the sunset with you.
.when he'll wear annoying nose strips every night just so he doesn't keep you up with his snoring.
.when he'll come into the tent and make sure you're okay even though he knows you're mad at him, but you still don't feel good.
.when he'll sit by the bathrooms for, forever just to make sure your not sick, when he doesn't know where you are.
.when he'll apologize for something he's probably not actually done just so you aren't mad at him.
.when he kisses you all over your face, when your mad, just cause he knows it drives you crazy.
.when he'll save a few bucks from his gas tank just to make sure you have something to eat when your both dead ass broke.
.when he'll listen to loud and crazy journey music and sing along with you, just cause he knows you love it.
.when he'll spend 2 more hours with you once you've driven home after a week long adventure, just to spend more time with you before you leave once again without him, just because he loves you, and he'll miss you.

Thats true love ladies and gents. For these reasons and many, many more, i'm convinced that i could spend the rest of my life with this one person. i love you baby.

xosmurfzruleox @ 2006-07-07T01:45:00

2006-07-07T05:51:45Z

Stolennn ::

when I see your smile
tears roll down my face
I can't replace

& now that I'm strong I have figured out
how this world turns cold & it breaks through my soul
& I know I'll find deep inside me, I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up for you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
even if saving you sends me to heaven

seasons are changing & waves are crashing
& stars are falling all for us
days grow longer & nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up for you forever
I'll be there for you through it all,
even if saving you sends me to heaven

'cause you're my
you're my
my true love
my whole heart
please don't throw that away

'cause I'm here, for you
please don't walk away &
please tell me you'll stay, stay...

use me as you will
pull my strings just for a thrill
& I know I'll be okay
though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up for you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
even if saving you sends me to heaven

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up for you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
even if saving you sends me to heaven...

baby. i fucking love you. and i would never do anything to hurt you. i love you so much.

xosmurfzruleox @ 2006-06-29T01:11:00

2006-06-29T05:16:43Z

i freaking love this girrrrllll. she better come see me for my open houseeeee!! heh =D

xosmurfzruleox @ 2006-06-28T13:31:00

2006-06-28T17:36:59Z

hate thinking i really have something to write in here.

hate that everytime i get to here - i always wanna write about how sorry i am for myself, i'll spare you this time around..

thinking about joining bally's. but i'm not going to unless i can find someone who will join w/ me. any takers?

xosmurfzruleox @ 2006-06-18T02:14:00

2006-06-18T06:19:04Z

Hello this is Mgean Hager and I cannot feel my face..
Nicolay wnats to write something toooo

megan is drunkkkkkk and its funnyyyyy

alicia and those boys better put that paddle boat back up on my dock or I'll haet o punch some bitches..
what hot dog bun..

hot dog bunsssssss

lauren didn't even say hi to me when she was here. she didn't even stay long enough to talk to meee. how dumb..

chappy didn't come over either. thats lame too.

Heather cna't find that hot dog bun..

hahahahahahahaha

cell phones are fun

heather's not though, she can't find that hot dog bun

Nikki is pretty cool though..
we like to drink together.
that amazing ,id put the paddle boat on the dock.
MNikki wants to go to sleep... MMMMMMMMMnnikki hjahahaahahaa

this kid wants to take us on an oakland lake paddle boat tour. but we told him noooooo.

he needs to know how to accept the 'no' word.

LAKE OAKLAND NOT OAKLAND LAKE..
biatch.

hahahahaaaa

what did we have tonight?
bicardi razz, limon, smirnoff, orange pop, pepsi, vernors, and H2O
ooooooo babbbby it was yummy
and I threw alicia's cigarette in LAKE OAKLAND.hehehehehheeheeee it was fun

someone needs to tell these whores to get off the couch so i can sleeeeeep. cause guess who has to work tomorrow monrning!!! nott themmmmmmmm! muahahha

I work at 2.. I feel ya gurl.
lol that's like 7th grade spellimgg

k. now its up to you bitches to figure out which of us.. Nikki or Megannnnnnnn wrote whattt.

♥♥♥

wow it never fails

2006-05-03T16:58:18Z

i'm so stressed out right now its ridiculous.
i feel like i'm on a whirlwind cycle of never ending screw ups.

i'm oblivious to almost everything going on in my life right now..
it's like. i need to take like three steps back and listen instead of talk. and that annoys me. i'm on bad terms with wayy to many people in my life right now. from those far away to those right next to me.

at the same time - it needs to be understood my position in life right now and everyone else needs to take into consideration that i'm a dumbass. and that i dont listen. and that i have ADD and i dont pay attention.

i just need to go to sleep. and wake up like next week.

who wants to help me??

2006-04-11T20:12:01Z

So; i really have to get an A on this stupid project and i can't even figure out how to paraphrase it. can anyone help me w/ that??

45. ‘I wake and feel the fell of dark, not day’

I WAKE and feel the fell of dark, not day.
What hours, O what black hoürs we have spent
This night! what sights you, heart, saw; ways you went!
And more must, in yet longer light’s delay.
With witness I speak this. But where I say 5
Hours I mean years, mean life. And my lament
Is cries countless, cries like dead letters sent
To dearest him that lives alas! away.

I am gall, I am heartburn. God’s most deep decree
Bitter would have me taste: my taste was me; 10
Bones built in me, flesh filled, blood brimmed the curse.
Selfyeast of spirit a dull dough sours. I see
The lost are like this, and their scourge to be
As I am mine, their sweating selves; but worse.

xosmurfzruleox @ 2006-02-18T21:08:00

2006-02-19T02:08:53Z

I AM THE SEXIEST MOTHER FUCKER ALIVE

..

2005-12-18T19:44:23Z

Shitty weekend. for sure.

dont really want to talk about it all that much right now.

but - can someone. or everyone - leave me some examples to use in my impromptu i didn't get a chance to go over any of it last week and im not sure i'll actually have any time before i do it this weekend or this coming week.

thanks.

anyone in calc or AP chem?

2005-12-15T00:12:24Z

can anyone help me w/ the OR for math?
or the reaction drill for chem?

i dont get either of them and i have so much to do tonight =(

xosmurfzruleox @ 2005-11-24T11:06:00

2005-11-24T16:07:27Z

Happy Thanksgiving everyone =D
i'm at my grandmas house right now so i dont have AIM but - i do have AOL and my screen name here is LilDvlStarr1311 soo put it on yer buddy list and IM me cause i dont have anyone's screen names on hereeee
+++ my cell phone does have serviceee so call me and i'll either get online or talk to you// call you back if i can't get enough service.
i'm so bored.
& i miss you =(

have a great day and be safe.
♥

stolen.

2005-11-10T18:11:13Z

If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, you must reply with a memory of me. It can be anything you want - good or bad, just as long as it happened. Then post this up yourself and see what people remember about you.

xosmurfzruleox @ 2005-10-23T01:19:00

2005-10-23T05:20:31Z

fuck youuu

ahh

2005-10-18T19:00:21Z

for anyone who has mr. erskine for government---
can i bring in my political cartoon and have them make a transparency in the morning in the library or do i have to make it myself sometime tonight?

shitty mood.

2005-10-13T02:19:56Z

So; everything about today just kind of sucked. another sub in government. stupidness in chem but no test tomorrow. yay for that for sure. I have to retake two parts of the meap test to get the money for it. hopefully i'll do good and get the money i need as scholarships that'd be real sweet. got called out of class in band - thought i was in trouble. nope. people are just assholes and put condoms all over my truck. who the fuck does that. i seriously wanted to cry. like - what makes a person do something to one individual purely out of hate. what did i do to anyone that would be deserving of something like that. and yeah you may be thinking that its not that big of a deal; it truly wasn't. i went out there and cleaned it up; no problem. its just the principal of the idea. what made someone do something stupid to me like that? unless it was a complete joke from one of my friends ; then you need to fess up cause im tired of worrying about it. Its almost like i constantly have to watch my back cause i dont know whats gunna happen. I guess that whole thing started when people started thinking it was cool to bust car windows out. how childish.
anyways. Band sucked today. i hate it this year. I feel bad about being so mean to my section but sometimse it's like; listen. and pay attention. you'll get it and you wont have to ask questions or do it wrong the next time because you'll understand what your doing. it truly is that simple sometimes. i almost started crying. i truly feel like a bad section leader. megan and lindsey got a ton of praise for being section leaders and doing something right. as a joke Lara made a comment about my not being a good section leader and such. i took it as a joke but turned around almost about to cry. i seriously dont know what to do anymore. i went through the majority of practice not saying anything regarding anyone messing up or doing bad, but towards the end i just lost it. i ended up yelling at them all pretty bad. i was finally like 'from here till the end of practice you dont say a word about anyone else. you keep quiet and adjust yourself. if they are wrong. let them be wrong.'
*sigh* who knows. i really dont care anymore. i'm mad that this simple of an extra curricular activity has me so stressed out. it's stupid. and pointless. I truly believe that marching band in itself has made me a better person. out of everything in my life the past four years - this has gotten me through the majority of it. I always looked forward to going and now it's like. its sad because none of the underclassmen feel the same way. a few of them may look forward to going but others are just like ; i'm not really sure why i'm here. and to me- that sucks. i go back everyday for my friends. i went back every year because i loved being there and i hate that i can't figure out why that feeling isn't there anymore. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Morgan left me. I'm feeling like i'm being surrounded and asked questions i can't answer and there really isn't anyone there to help me out of it.
The only decent part about anything thats happened in the last 3 weeks is hanging out with Max. I'm adopting his 'fuck everyone' approach and just goin with the flow. So; stop asking questions. it is what it is. make it what you want =P
it's time for me to go to bed. leave me lots of comments cause i could definitely use it.
♥

xosmurfzruleox @ 2005-09-29T21:15:00

2005-09-30T01:21:52Z

So; this is it. This is the essay i will be sending out to all of those wonderful colleges. Minus a few minor details in punctuation and such that i couldn't fix on stupid WordPad. any minor adjustments you'd like to add in are welcome. Let me know what you all think.

"The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid." -Lady Bird Johnson. The truth found within this statement is the way that i overcame one of the most difficult obstacles of my teenage life.

My dad was an Air Weapons Controller in the Air Force. Every two or so years, our family would be uprooted and moved to another area of the United States. We would have to become acquainted with the surroundings and I always had to find new friends at a new school. Being the new girl in a smaller school, which was often the case when we moved to smaller areas, was very difficult. Friends always seemed to be lifelong friends, and at those critical middle school ages, becoming friends with someone new was almost unheard of. I kept to myself mostly, but somehow always made friends. At the same time i still continued to be slightly standoffish with my new friends, and I never really said much. This was the start of my lifestyle of being shy.

After living in Michigan for only a few years, my dad suddenly got reassigned to Saudi Arabia. This time when we moved it wouldn't be to some other state. It was out of the country. Two weeks before we were to leave, my relatives had a going away party for us. I fell off of a trapeze and broke both of my wrists. The twenty eight hour plane ride was absolutely miserable, and the airport we landed at was dreadful. Stepping off of the plane, we walked ourselves into 110 degree weather, a whirlwind of sand, an an extreme case of body odor. We stood in lines that looked like something you would wait in at the grocery store. People around us were yelling in Arabic, and the bathrooms were purely a hole in the floor. Needless to say, this was going to be an experience we would never forget.

We lived on an American Compound with all of the other Air Force families, so I had neighbors who spoke English at the least. Things were still very different however. The rules for woman were absolutely appalling in my opinion, but they lived in their own culture and we had to respect that. By the age of thirteen, you were to be completely covered in a black gown and at a certain age you had to begin even covering your face, with a slight slit for your eyes. Woman couldn't drive, so whenever we wanted to leave the compound we had to call a taxi if my dad was unable to take us. Having blond hair, blue eyes, and casts on both of my arms my sister and I both got more than a few stares when we went out. Throughout the mall, men would even ask to touch our hair because they had never seen anything like it. It was something that took a lot of adjustment and getting used to.

I went to an International school, and i met a lot of culturally diverse people. I had never been a part of anything like that before and this forced me to step outside of the little box i had previously been placing myself inside of. Although we were all from Western Cultures, none of us were from the same area. I became much more outgoing because everyone was just as eager to hear all of my stories of 'home.' We taught each other a lot of different things about each person's culture. This made me realize that the way i was living was something i needed to put a lot of thought into. My sociological outlook on each persons culture drastically changed. Before then, i never knew how differently everyone lived. We only spent about ten months in Saudi Arabia, but they were the most inspirational months of my life. It taught me so many things about myself, and our country. Everyone i met lived by their own cultures as i did. It's very true to say that, you really don't know what your have until you're placed in an area where you can no longer live by what you have.

In almost the same aspect of being shy, you can never really get anything accomplished unless you put yourself out there. Thus forward, i started speaking out more often and slowly I became less and less shy. As i got to high school I became more involved. I set my mind to what i wanted to do. I joined the Marching Band and met some of my very best friends. Referring back to my very first quote, I became so wrapped up in the things i worked for, that being shy wasn't an issue anymore. I kept myself busy and never had time to think about the things that used to bother me. Slowly but surely it became apparent that, "I was the shyest human ever invented, but i had a lion inside of me that wouldn't shut up!" - Ingrid Bergman.